The War

Over 19 years ago I got handed a war. I was given the ultimate challenge and told if I didn’t fight, every single day, for the rest of my life – I wouldn’t just  lose that war. I would lose my life.

Over 19 years ago I accepted that my life would no longer be the same. No, I wasn’t happy about it. Yes, I had days and weeks of denial. No, I didn’t want to fight and there are days when I still don’t. But yes. Yes, I continued to prick my finger. Take the syringe and plunge it into my leg. My belly. My booty. My arm. I lived with the bruises, the stares, the lunch boxes filled with insulin and supplies, the bloody test strips that end up everywhere. (the dishwasher?! but really, how did they get in there??) Now, I live with the machines attached to me like leaches. I live with the constant carb counting, the number games, the meal schedules, the dr visits…

You know the feeling. Probably all too well, right?

Every day. Every. Single. Damn. Day- we wake up and make a decision to not let this disease control us but rather do our best to control it. Some days are victories, some the betes pulls ahead. But every day we wake up again and still choose the path of fighting.

Some days are exhausting aren’t they? Some days you just want to be able to eat and not worry about the routine before and after. I know I miss the simple things like being able to wash my body without feeling the lump of my pump or my CGM. I’d looooove to forget how to change a pod, or be able to just enjoy a meal instead of wondering if my carb counting would be close enough.

Yeah, it really sucks doesn’t it?

I’ve always said that you can’t stay upset about the war we fight for too long, and I mean that. Self-pity is a horrible, unattractive trait.  However, let’s look at the other side of that war. What has it done for you? (oh man guys, Bean has lost her ever loving mind! She wants to know what T1D has DONE for us?!)

No, really. What has it done positively in your life? For me, it’s made me stronger. Every time I think I can’t wake up at 3am another night to test – I do. Every time I want to skip a glucose test – I don’t. Every time I think ” I just can’t do this anymore” –

                                                                   I’m wrong.

Whether I like it or not – type one diabetes has helped mold me into the person I am today. I am more mentally strong than I ever thought I could be. I can fight longer than I ever thought possible. I am able to keep on moving forward when all I want is to sit down and give up.

T1D may be my enemy but it has given me the courage I didn’t know I had.  Because of it- I make the decision to try harder. Because of my war with Diabetes – I choose to be better… not bitter.

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