The Blues

I know everyone has em. Whether it’s having a rough day at school or work, getting screwed over on something or… the diabetic blues. Yup. I think that’s a thing. In fact I know it is. I try my best to put on my game face every morning and not let my chronic, invisible disease get to me. But, I’m human. And on days where my numbers aren’t making sense and when I know I’m 100% on my diet, drinking my water and testing my sugars and I STILL can’t get my sugars regulated – it gets me down. And then of course, it all snowballs in my head. And what started as a day of bad sugars becomes a “woe is me party”. I’m not too proud to admit I’ve let this happen to me more than I’d like. Last week, I was having a bad day by normal people standards: crazy busy at work, not hitting all the goals I had set for myself, dishes piled up in the sink, laundry that had to get done…plus- I needed to pick up more test strips, make an endo appt, refill my candy stash in my purse, annnd couldn’t get my sugars to stop ping ponging all over the place! I was irritable. I was mad. But mostly I was sad. I sat on my couch with my tester in my lap and cried. I had a bad case of the diabetic blues and wasn’t sure how to fix it. I wanted to scream and punch things I was so mad and I wanted to sit and not move I was so upset. (Makes perfect sense, right?) Add in the fact that my body was exhausted and hurting because of the sugars all over the place all day – it was not a good combo. Then it got worse. My husband came home and asked what was wrong. I told him and when I said I was “exhausted” he went “I know what you mean. I’m tired too” No. You don’t know what I mean. You don’t know this kind of exhausted. You can’t possibly know. This isn’t a “I ran a race” exhausted” or even a “I’m mentally exhausted” kind of exhausted. But how does a diabetic explain to a non-betic the kind of exhausted that your body is going through?? I’m genuinely not sure it’s possible. Now, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t wish diabetes on anyone. Not my worst enemy, would I wish this on. Buuuut, it’s damn near impossible to explain how it feels to go through all we do. To explain a high blood sugar, a low blood sugar, a ping ponging of both. And that’s just the physical side of it!! I’ve never really had other diabetics to talk to and a big part of that is my own fault. I’ve never done support groups even as a kid. Part of me has wanted to but there’s another part that’s always been tentative about it. Maybe it would help me through cases of the diabetic blues or maybe it would allow me to wallow in it. I’m not sure. What I do know is this: Even though we can’t expect our family members and friends to truly understand how we feel or why we feel how we do – I know it’s important to not give up trying to explain it. Highs for me feel like my body is shriveling up from the inside out. Yup. That is genuinely how I try to explain it to people. It feels (to me) like my body is giving up internally and my brain just hasn’t caught up to the “giving in” yet. Lows for me feel like… a dizzy dream that I can’t wake myself up out of. Everything seems to be going in slow motion around me and I can feel myself do the awkward-dog-head-tilt as I try to make sense of whatever is happening. Ping ponging between both? Hah. To me… that’s the worst one. I don’t know about yall, but on days when my sugars are up then down then up then down… I genuinely imagine that that is what a slow death feels like. I know, I know “Bean! That is horrible! How can you say that?!?” Well… because it’s the truth. When I started this blog I wanted the good, the bad, and the ugly to come out about what I go through. Sadly, the ugly part is when I’m on a roller coaster sugar ride – it feels like a painful, horrifying, slow death. Why bring any of this up? Because I’m not the only one feeling this way. Yooouuu aren’t the only one feeling this way. Or maybe you aren’t a betic…maybe a loved one is. Maybe it sucks to read what you just did. But isn’t it better to know? Doesn’t it make more sense when you see them cry in frustration or throw their tester across the room? (Guilty of this before…) Remember, I’m not here for pretty lies. If you want that – I suggest you find a nice pot of gold at the end of the rainbow to sit in and wait for the jolly little leprechaun to show up. I’m not saying to embrace the diabetic blues. I’m not saying to wallow in them. I’m simply saying – you aren’t alone for feeling them. And maybe, juuuuuust maybe, if we all talked about how or bodies and minds are feeling as we’re going through this crap, people will eventually be able to understand the teeeeeeeniest bit of what we go through.

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