Squishy

Have you ever reflected so hard on your past that it actually makes you cry?

I had read someone’s post about how they hated dating with diabetes because you never know if you’ll be supported emotionally or not, and it didn’t really hit me until later…but I felt that.

I dated someone for years, who never really joined my fight. Never really checked on me. Never even got up to get me juice when I was low or rubbed my back when my sugars were high. I accepted it. I didn’t question it. I didn’t even push it. Truth is- I didn’t know (or maybe didn’t want to accept) that I needed that from him. We lived together. Had known each other since…. forever. I think I had assumed that he’d eventually hop on board and get involved but the problem was, I accepted when he didn’t.

When we broke up, I got a tattoo that reads “ tu me manques” which means “you are missing from me” or simply “I miss you”, in French. But even though I did miss him (like I said I knew him from high school and was a constant in my life) I missed the me I had been prior to being in a relationship with him. I was missing me.

I lost my… fire with him. I gave up dreams and opportunities. I accepted being “alone” in my disease and, stupidly, it wasn’t until I saw that poor girl’s post – that it hit me. I knew exactly what she was talking about because I lived it for 2 years and once I was reflecting on it- I sat there crying. For her. For me. For anyone going through that uncertainty. That fear. That loneliness.

I now wonder what would’ve happened if he had come home one day to me unconscious. He wouldn’t have known how to test my sugar. How to use the glucagon. I’d hope he’d at least call 911 before walking over my body to play computer games, but no diabetic should EVER have to feel that way.

The good part is that I’ve obviously set new standards for what I now will and won’t accept. Do I wish I realized all this sooner? Kind of but it wouldn’t have changed anything. That being said, I’d like remind everyone of this:

What you allow is what will continue.

Don’t allow yourself to feel unimportant, especially in regards to this disease. Not everyone who says they love you, will. Not everyone will deserve your love. That’s okay. I’m living proof that one day, the right person can come along, carrying a juice box for armor and a glucagon for a sword.