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Being Scared

In my first blog on this site, I talked about how I finally, after 14 years, found an endocrinologist who I trusted. Fully, completely, boomboombam-trusted. Well…now I’m in a position where I have lost that doctor and I’m back to square one. I’m not going to lie – I cried. (Not the “cute cry” either. Nah, I don’t do that. I do the full-on, wrinkly face, snotty nose, “oh my god, look at that pathetic girl” cry. It’s bad. No bueno) I cursed. I freaked out. I called an emergency sushi meeting with my girls and I’m pretty sure I scared the guy I’m seeing. (Oops! Good thing he’s a champ and stuck it out through my ugly cry haha can you say “points”?!) I’m not ready to go into too much detail yet about why all this happened but I will say this: after a recent ICU visit, I was “discharged” as a patient from the whole medical facility. This includes: my endo, my eye dr, my gastroenterologist, my internal specialist, my ob/gyn, my regular ol’ family physician and my podiatrist. Yup, all gone. In addition, I am not allowed to go to urgent care through this facility.

Let me be blunt about this: if I had my way- heads would be rolling. What bothers me most is the fact I was “dismissed” because the doctor I had in the ICU (who I have never seen before and ((for his sake)) hope to never see again) didn’t like me asking questions. In addition to being blunt, let me be clear: It is a patient’s right to ask what the medical plan is while you are in the hospital. This particular doctor, didn’t agree with this. So, when I was asking questions, I was told I was a “difficult patient”. Psshhhhh. I’ve been called worse by better. I grew up with an older brother, older guy cousins, and primarily have guy friends – I have some thick skin. Therefore, I didn’t think too much of being called this, until I received a lettter stating I was no longer welcome back to see my doctors (again- not any of which I saw in this last ICU visit). I kid you not when I read this all that flashed through my head was: Dr. Nick (my endo) Let the sobbing begin!!

People don’t seem to understand. My endocrinologist is more important to me than…my coffee. My redbull. My ice cream at night. My grilled cheese on rainy days. I had felt safe for the first time in 14 years with a doctor. And now? I feel hopeless. Worse? I’m scared.  I HATE feeling scared. I pride myself on having “balls of steel”. And for the most part- I do. I’ve proven in 7 years that I can take care of myself, provide for myself and (with the right company behind me) I can do anything I need to. My big ol’ steel balls- now feel like mushy meatballs.

I know I will get through this like I have everything else, and I’m the very first one to say “no one ever promised fair” (my mother drilled this into my head more than anything else growing up!) but for the meantime, for the first time, I’m trying to be okay with being scared.

#discharged #doctor #endocronologist

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